In the Wee Hours of the Morning

3:46 a.m. Tuesday, 5 April, 2021.

Amber, the charge nurse in the Infusion Suite, took care of me yesterday during my 5-hour Darzalex session. We talked about the steroids and Benedryl pre-med regimen that I have been following for each of the infusions. I take them in the three days prior to my scheduled chemo, and then I receive each in liquid form ahead of the Darzalex drip. The combination is literally making me crazy. Not only did I overreact in a telephone conversation with my son Kohlson, whom I have been waiting patiently to hug for more than 10 months now, but it is 3:46 in the morning, and I have essentially been awake since looking at the clock around 12:20 and wondering if Keifer had made it home from work yet. (He did about an hour ago.)

So far, I have perused my Facebook news feed…posted a few pics and responded to a few posts…exchanged text messages with a dear friend in Idaho who doesn’t sleep much…checked my tax return status…researched whether/how to file an amended return, which I figure I will have to do because I know I made a mistake on mine…tried to go back to sleep but decided to go downstairs to my computer to research the matter more extensively…had trouble seeing because my vision was so blurry…helped Samson kill a roach — I hate those things! — and as a result, washed everything sitting out on my kitchen cabinets…went back to my computer to continue my research…learned the IRS has not yet provided directions for handling my particular error…closed my laptop and went upstairs to take care of the bedding I had washed earlier for Kohlson’s bed…decided I might as well make the bed while I was wide awake still…thought I saw the floral pattern on my bedroom rug move…climbed back into bed with Samson, who promptly curled up next to me and went to sleep…started writing this account…and now I am finally getting sleepy, so I will finish this one later…

8:00 a.m. Thursday, 8 April 2021.

My manic state continued into Tuesday and even still today, though it's less intense. Words to describe how I felt (and still feel) physically include shaky, light-headed, and a little wobbly or unsteady on my feet, which I realize now could still be elevated calcium levels. I can describe my behavior and provide examples as follows:

1. Obsessive-compulsive. There are odd things I find myself doing these days, like sorting the green Veggie Straws into a separate pile on my plate and eating them first or making sure when I give the cats their wet food in the morning that the bowls are laid out on the cabinet with none of the same color next to each other. When I realized I was doing this, I took a picture to show you.

2. Manic. See second paragraph above beginning with, “So far, I have…”

3. Schizophrenic. According to the results of a Bing search (1), the symptoms of schizophrenia may vary depending on the individual and they usually include the following. The ones I have experienced are italicized in bold:

· Delusion

· Hallucinations and illusions – The floral pattern on the bedroom rug moving. This is not an isolated incident. There are others that I can’t recall at the moment.

· Agitation

· Flat affect- lack of emotional expression

· Disordered thinking – This post might provide evidence.

· Inappropriate reactions

· Phobia

· Lack of pleasure or interest in activities

Please be assured that I am not suggesting I have the above disorders. I do not, and my heart goes out to anyone who does. It’s just that my recent behavior shows signs of the symptoms of them, brought on by, most likely, steroids. I have an appointment to see Dr. Joudeh this afternoon and to get my Velcade injection, and I plan to speak with him about this.

Oh yes! In the midst of all of the above emotions/behaviors, I bought a new car. I have been looking for a while now, and I knew exactly what I wanted. Back in 2013, I think, I bought a used 2005 Lexus LS 430. Even though it was already an old car, it had all the bells and whistles. A few of the more unique ones included a rear window sun shade that would open at the press of a button; automatically closing doors; adaptive radar cruise control (this feature was truly ahead of its time); and most unusual, oscillating vents. Get a load of them in this short video:

Anyway, the Lexus spoiled me. The two features I decided I couldn’t live without were the adaptive cruise control and the automatically closing doors. A lot of people don’t care for the adaptive cruise control, primarily because of the way the car will automatically decelerate, sometimes suddenly, when another car moves into the radar range. If you’re not alert while you’re using it, I can honestly see where it could be hazardous because if it decelerates suddenly and some yahoo is tailgating you, which is a common occurrence these days, you might find yourself in a rear-end accident at 70 miles per hour. As for me, it helped me stay alert and be a better driver.

With regard to the automatically closing doors, because I had experienced them with my Lexus, which I traded in a few years ago for a Hyundai Genesis, I felt a flash of intense aggravation every time I failed to shut my car door all the way. With my Lexus, as long as the door was pushed almost to, it would magically latch by itself. I never had to slam a door or the trunk, and it was a godsend when I had my hands full. Such a small thing, but a deal-breaker, as far as I was concerned, on a new car.

When I was looking at used Lexus listings last week, I found one for a 2017 Lexus LS 460 at Bentley Jacksonville. John drove me to Jacksonville on Tuesday so I could take it for a test drive. The entire encounter was such a pleasant one, I would like this post to be a plug for Bentley Jacksonville.

First of all, I have never been to an Alfa Romeo, Bentley, Maserati dealership. Why would I? Let’s put it this way: owning a $250,000-dollar-plus car would mean making a choice between owning a house or a car, and I don’t want to live in my car. Frankly, I felt a little intimidated just looking at them. Beautiful automobiles, for sure.

My sales associate, a young man named Johnson Dore, had contacted me via text about the car, and I spoke with him on the phone as well to verify that the car had automatic doors and adaptive radar cruise control, which it did. He greeted John and me warmly when we arrived and had the car ready for me to take for a test drive. As we cruised down I-95, I concentrated on driving while Johnson and John chatted about the big city compared to the Redneck Riviera here in the panhandle where we live. I had never been to Jacksonville before, but what I saw of it was very pretty, and the car, of course, drove like a dream.

When we got back to the dealership, Johnson introduced us to the General Manager, TJ Samhouri. Dressed in a business suit in keeping with the prestige of the venue, I immediately sensed an affable nature as he extended his hand to John and me and asked us to call him "TJ." Yes, he shook my hand! And what a refreshing gesture it was. I liked him instantly.

I’m going to digress for a moment to interject something here that is political in nature – though I adamantly contend that it should not be – and may invite some opposing viewpoints among you, which I welcome. I feel compelled to bring it up because I believe the focus on this issue is fundamentally changing our society, and not for the better. Before I do, the only thing I ask is that you respect my viewpoint in the same way that I respect yours, should it differ.

I choose not to wear a mask when I go out in public, everywhere except medical centers. I also choose not to get the Covid vaccination. I make these choices for personal reasons and because unless or until either of these currently voluntary options become law, which would be a terrible decree, in my opinion, I will continue to not wear a mask and refuse the vaccine. Truth be told, if it were to become law, I’m pretty certain I would actively contest it.

TJ explained to me that their policy about masks and social distancing was in keeping with the state and local guidelines, which, here in Florida, allows them the flexibility to respond to each customer individually as that customer’s comfort level dictates. Wow! Even more reason for me to feel comfortable in a beautiful setting where quarter-of-a-million-dollar vehicles were sold.

As we crunched numbers on the Lexus and discussed the value of my trade-in, my head was spinning a bit, and I even said to John at one point when TJ was talking with an associate that I wasn’t feeling very good. Nevertheless, I was determined to work through the numbers and drive home in a beautiful Lexus LS 460. TJ’s goal was the same, of course, and we soon arrived at an agreement. The entire process was seamless and enjoyable, particularly when it was time to transfer my belongings to my new car and drive it home. It was completely irrelevant that I wasn’t purchasing a Bentley or a Masarati. I was treated like an honored guest, and it felt truly wonderful.

Have I mentioned that Dr. Joudeh has read my blog? He has mentioned it a few times, and the first time he indicated he had checked it out, I felt so honored! I’m looking forward to speaking with him today about how I’m feeling, and I hope he’ll have a remedy.

For now, thank you again for dropping by to read my thoughts and experiences. I hope you will leave a message if something touches your heart, or send me an email to share your perspective.

Blessings.

---

References

(1) “Schizophrenic - Bing.” n.d. www.bing.com. Accessed April 8, 2021. https://www.bing.com/search?q=schizophrenic&qs=SC&pq=schzi&sk=SC5&sc=8-5&cvid=93D7E14C416543FC951570E20619211F&FORM=EX0025&sp=6&shtp=Email&shid=ecfa544c-7ac5-4075-8b00-07113655e84f&shtc=0&shth=OSH.gp2PW5ljPX5J%252B8tZiV6qaw

‌‌