Reflections and Introspections

When you go through a difficult time in your life, you learn a lot about yourself and about the people around you that you care about. Keeping in mind that everyone deals with situations differently and uniquely in accordance with their individual personalities and life experiences, it is still sometimes hard to understand some behaviors. Grief, for example, is a very personal emotion that everyone handles uniquely, at least to some extent. Profound sadness and the feeling of loss are emotions we all share when we grieve, but some work through those feelings relatively quickly, while for others, they linger sometimes for the rest of their lives.

We probably all have friendships that have lasted decades and survived long separations over great distances. Though we don’t see these special people often, their dearness to us never wanes. It is a mutual affection, and that makes all the difference. These friends are the true treasures of life. They are always there for you; always willing to listen, lend a hand, or pray for you. If you really need them, they would move heaven and earth to come to your aid.

Since learning about my Multiple Myeloma diagnosis, friends old and dear have messaged or called. Family members have rallied even though they are hundreds of miles away, and I know they are praying for me daily, something that gives me great comfort and strength. There have been some surprises too. Friends from my adolescence that I could not have anticipated would reach out to me have done so with messages of encouragement. What sweet surprises! I am truly blessed.

There have been other revelations that have been disappointing but not necessarily unexpected, mostly involving extended family, co-workers I have known for years -- people who are special but apparently feel no particular compulsion to reach out. A few do, and I am so very grateful for them; they know who they are. It’s truly a bright spot in my day when I receive a text message or email out of the blue asking how I’m doing and letting me know they’re thinking of me. For the rest, you may be thinking, it’s a two-way street, and I agree wholeheartedly, which I why I reach out repeatedly before I reach a point when a person has to take a step back and reevaluate the situation, try to determine the value of something and whether it is worth one’s investment of time and emotional and mental energy. A friend recently pointed out that that is just what they have done, possibly unconsciously, and decided I’m not important enough to them to warrant the effort.

I won’t deny that it hurts my feelings. I wish I weren’t so sensitive. I look inward and wonder, am I not a good friend? I know I’m not the easiest person in the world to get along with. I try very hard to be the kind of friend that I would like to have, and I know I fail miserably sometimes. For that I am truly sorry. I forget special days and I don’t always reach out myself when I probably should, but I do try to always live by the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. There have been many times when I have felt inspired in a moment to send an email to someone who did something nice for me, sometimes a long time ago. I remember one time in particular a few years ago, I sent an email to someone at the Walmart Home Office with whom I had worked back in 2006 and who was instrumental in helping me in my career. I wanted to tell her so and how much I appreciated it. The next day I received a response from her saying my unexpected message had brought her to tears. Those are the best kind of tears.

The reverse happened to me just a few days ago when a friend who has helped me with projects at my house unexpectedly invited me to play a game of Words With Friends. Here are the screen shots of the exchange. What a powerful message! It truly warmed my heart.

Several months ago, someone posted the picture at the top of this post on Facebook, and it resonated with me in a sad way. It feels very true and I struggle to have the discernment to rise above it, shake the dust from my shoes and go on, knowing that it is part of life, part of being the faulty, wretched humans we are so capable of being without any effort at all. I remind myself that it’s hard to know sometimes that someone is hurting or sick or battling some unseen demon, and it’s also hard to know the right questions to ask or the right words to say, so sometimes when the opportunity presents itself, we simply say nothing at all.

I want my friends to know that I will always try to have the courage and awareness to ask or simply to offer a warm hug or even a sympathetic smile in the rare event that words elude me. I hope they will have the courage to tell me if I have let them down, and that I will have the wisdom and humility to say I’m sorry. Life is too short and true friendships too precious to do anything less.