The Stranger in the Mirror

At this point, I am not inclined to post pics of my new hairstyle. Perhaps by the time I finish writing this post, I’ll be predisposed to do so, but for the moment, I’m still adjusting to it. Noel, the man who cuts my hair, did an amazing job. It is exactly what I asked for, even better than the pictures. As he deftly wielded his clippers and scissors, I watched in fascination as my silver and gray locks floated to the floor in a feathery heap and a new me took shape in the mirror in front of me. I’ve worn my hair short before, but that was many, many years ago, and it was never THIS short. I didn’t have to cut it quite so short. I didn’t have to cut it at all. But I knew I wanted to try wearing some fashionable wigs, and shorter is much better for that purpose. I also considered that once I undergo the transplant, all of it will be gone anyway, so I thought it would give me a glimpse into how I might look once I’m bald. It certainly accomplishes that.

Thursday night John took me out to eat. He knew I was struggling with how I felt about my new look. I would probably describe my mood as brooding or pensive. It wasn’t that I didn’t like it. I just wasn’t able to put my finger on exactly how I was feeling and why. That is, until the next morning. Clarity often comes to me in the mornings.

As I tumbled out of bed swaying a little as I found my balance and made my way to my bathroom vanity, I gazed for a moment at my reflection in the mirror and it suddenly hit me...

I look like a lesbian.

Now, before someone gets all in an uproar, I don’t mean anything disparaging by that. I am merely stating a fact. A lot of lesbians wear their hair very short. Mine is probably a number 2 buzz cut on the sides and definitely in the back. I think there are many lesbians whose short haircuts look quite attractive on them, but I realized the brooding feeling I exhibited last night at dinnertime was precisely because of a yet unidentified self-consciousness that I have now identified. The pictures of the lovely models sporting the cut I showed to Noel yesterday were very attractive and chic. That was the look I was going for, and I guess my initial perspectives didn’t quite measure up. Maybe it’s because of my age. Maybe it’s something else. Whatever it is, it will take getting used to.

I have shared a picture or two with my cousin, my friend Melody, and my sister, all of whom were complimentary in their responses to it. When my sister texted asking about my hair, I was reticent at first.

“Take a selfie and send it to me,” she wrote.

“Brace yourself,” I texted back. I sent her a couple of pics I took from just after the haircut. Her response gave me a different perspective on it. She told me I looked “vogue,” which was the look I was hoping for. Some minutes later she texted telling me that she had forwarded the pictures to her daughter and son, Ashley and Kyle. Ashley loved it, and Kyle said the same thing my son Keifer said, “She looks like Grams.” That is a reference to my beloved mom, and in both instances, it brought tears to my eyes. We are approaching the 21st anniversary of her passing. She was the same age I am now and had battled breast cancer for 9 years, which makes it all the more poignant.

Mom was very expressive and often used idioms, like, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” If she were here now, she would probably remind me of the proverb that I have inscribed on a small plaque that sits in my living room. One could apply it to any and every situation, including the seemingly endless consequences of our current pandemic condition, as well as my own. I look at it often and am reminded of its truth. And I think of God’s unconditional love for me and one of my favorite verses that I used as my “Quote” on this blog and that a dear friend reminded me of recently:

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38-39